"North Korea is planning to launch what they're calling a rocket, but what the rest of the world calls a missile. And Hillary had to warn Kim Jong Il today, 'do not fire your missile.' Is it me, or is this a running theme in her life? --Bill Maher

"Today at the White House, President Obama met with the CEOs of all the major U.S. banks. A lot of these big bonus guys. The CEOs looked around the White House and said, 'You live in this dump?'." --Jay Leno

"President Bush made a number of gaffes at the G-8 Summit. One of them -- he gave a neck rub to the Chancellor of Germany. So you know what that means? He's drinking again." --David Letterman

"The chancellor of Germany disengaged herself from the president of the United States using a move she learned in date rape prevention class. ... If that was Clinton going in for Merkel, somehow her bra would be off." --Jon Stewart, on Bush groping German Chancellor Angela Merkel