"The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood." —Jay Leno

"The Defense Department ... says that troops in Afghanistan have discovered several more tapes of Osama bin Laden speaking with his followers. ... And if you order the whole set right now, they'll throw in 'The Taliban's Wet 'n' Wild Spring Break'" —Conan O'Brien

"The CIA is now saying that a drone rocket may have killed Osama bin Laden way up in the mountains. ... Let me translate for you. What they're saying is he's still alive and they don't have any idea where the hell he is" —David Letterman